Grounded

This is the first time in a long while that I got scared the living shit out of my own mom. I was put into this mere situation moments ago, I just realised. I was talking to Monica on the line, realising how "unattractive" I was, how unimportant I was to the world, and I was reminded that I was the one and only to her.... That I was special. I felt so dishearted after that call, I feel like, just. stopping. Quitting uni. What am I doing all this for. All these dreams. Feels like I'm doing this for the whirlwind ride. The results. The learning.

Bringing myself back down to earth is one thing, but I truly truly felt that I was being told off, as if the whole world didn't care about her, including me, that no one paid attention to her, no one put any importance into her words... Exactly the way I was telling Monica. Why do I have this trait to make myself look genuinely pitiful from other people? I probably inherited this trait from my mom, she does it so well, in fact my dad probably does it too (the running away style), talk about communication problems with your own mom....

I feel so, ashamed, so useless as a son, I need reassurance. Like I've screwed up my life.

I'm not rock bottom. But now I know the feeling of having someone you hold so dearly feel so sad JUST because you take them for granted. Maybe that's why I'm spoilt. I take people for granted. That's probably the one trait that all spoilt brats have. They take everything for granted. Materials, love, care, time, it all translates into arrogance, snobbing other people, hatred, discrimination. Why do I do this? How do I curb this? I feel so... rejected.

Maybe I should just sleep it off. I can move on, but what do I prove to her? The last time I hurt somebody, I had to hurt and compromise myself so badly. Do I do it again? And consume my time and effort? Or let a heart go and move on?

The answer sounds trivial. But what do I have to back it up? Saying sorry? Why do I keep doing this?

Good night blog. This is how I hung up on my mom.