Life Lessons

Mixed feelings are the reason I'm blogging tonight. Reflection has usually been the best way to achieve personal growth, I'm still a firm believer in that principle. I think it's about time I started growing again.

Not that I haven't over the past couple of years. I remember the first couple days coming to Melbourne on my own, arranging transport and accommodation and whatnot. I recall being innocent. I recall being curious. I recall being frightened because I had no idea where and when I was doing what, and all I knew is that I had to live life as what happens tomorrow. "It's just a 4 year holiday" I used to tell myself, and that kept me through the times of being alone, and as a result I never missed my folks that much.

The first 2 years of the degree was spent living in International House. Cool place really, but in that 1 year I had confirmed my worst fears: Despite being the nice-natured person that I am, a lot of people still came across me as arrogant or stupid, which is what I had spent the few previous years trying to not be. Perhaps it is a different battlefield when 200 people know what you eat for breakfast and who you slept with last night, as well as what embarrassing thing you did in the toilet the other day... Those memories of me and my friends will never fade away, both the good and the bad.

Preconceptions can be alarmingly dangerous; Especially when you think that what you knew is almost certainly the best or the most accurate. And it is even more dangerous when it is actually true, and it slips to the back of your mind and you remember all these things 4 years later when it is too late. I was thinking lots of how I was told that Australia was just a stepping stone, how much I remember adults telling me that International House was a place of "networking". I didn't know the meaning when of the words when said to me, and as of now the means of those words still escape me; Either I didn't fully encapsulate the meaning of "college" or I didn't do enough networking. So lesson number 1 is: Always be ready for your ideals and your expectations to be shattered, especially when going somewhere new.

So, being on my toes all the time, I fell in love, became super cautious about it, became lax after a while, and eventually got burned. And that's just the start. I remember the several occurrences of being proposed the idea of going back in time and coming up with ideas with what to tell myself. After being rinsed, dry cycled, and hung out to dry several times, I wouldn't tell myself a thing. Coz knowing myself, the end product is the same, I realise: Would I have traded love for better results? Maybe. Would I have denied myself the experiences of being struck down, betrayed and getting up again? No. As long as I knew that I could come out on top. It has been a rough ride in terms of falling in love this 4 years, and its not like things had a happy ending anyway, but it is the experiences, and the battle scars that you see on your heart when you look in the mirror that remind you of how strong you can be, and to be better than that next time. And for that I can look in the mirror and feel proud.

Studying hasn't been easy either. Through university, I have learnt that the learning process is not instantaneous anymore; Sometimes even though you have understood and learnt something new, the AH-HA process might take years to arrive wayyy later... Perhaps that is the difference between me and the geniuses. I admire the way they master so much instantly, it's scary to watch them excel without any effort, while I used to take pride in delivering the results without much effort.

Anyway I need to pack stuff first, will continue with part 2 later.

On the verge of Dignity

Heartless and Selfish are probably the best words to describe me.

Part 2 begins here.

There are some experiences that affect a major decision that you make in your life... Sometimes it is the emergence of a role model, sometimes it is the fall of one. More often than most, the latter happens, and as I have learnt in primary school, 我也不例外。Moving out of International House, which I had called home at one point, wasn't a very hard transition; Being slightly hardened and perhaps more observant in terms of people politics, I took my new-found knowledge and pursued further "knowledge" in the Melbournian Metropolitan.

Making friends with someone you completely don't know isn't a strange thing for me. The prospect of living with someone I completely don't know in fact gave me a surge of adrenaline that I was looking for beyond the walls of 200 watching, judgemental eyes. It was a very detached experience; I had not found an environment where I could, shall we say, let my hair down and let things be as natural as they should be. Bringing my baggage with me, I had brought the old, bad and the ugly to this new world of "properly living", at least in my perception, in Australia for the first time, and as a result the focus suffered.

Sometimes when you work on something long term, such as studying somewhere new for a while, one of two things happen: you either forget who are, develop into something new and go on your own path, or realise how much your original "path" means to you and it burns stronger. I still cannot tell which has happened to me. But regardless, I do know this: I certainly understand myself a lot better, for one, and I also have honed myself a lot better in terms of what I want to be.

The thrill of moving out only lasted a year. The following annum, I moved in with my brother, which was a completely different experience altogether.

I'm still too upset to blog. Part 3 to come soon.

Release me...

The song suddenly has so much more meaning. Today is the day, that I finally am released. The hunter is now on the prowl.

Possible Lines for a New Song

I'm out of tears

Take whatever's left

Daggers in the heart aren't the worst to bear, neither is the fact that love's not fair,

But what hurts the most is that everyday

I'd make you happy in any way

That when I want to hold you close

The feeling is like hugging a rose

the longer you hold on the more it hurts

How something so beautiful can also be so painful

Reality

Looking back at some of my posts, I amaze myself sometimes at how I have developed in terms of thought; There's no more looking back in anger, but sometimes, you have to cut out everything you have, just because that's the only way to let yourself be free.

The best things in life are free. And I am not.

I am bound down by my own rules, my own expectations of myself, and once again, I have failed myself.

I disagree with most people when they say that life doesn't have a reset button. As long as you have people that truly, truly love you, you always have a reset button. Only love will keep me up, only love will keep me down. And nothing's gonna stop me.

Sorry world, I'm just gonna have to be on Pause for a while. Time to start talking to myself again. Lu Xian's back.

Fantasy

Sometimes I love being trapped in my own daydreams, in my own illusions.

Dream on, I say. Dreams are what make people, dreams are what makes the ordinary stand out; Vision is the first step towards realisation. i dream of many things. I dream to be the person I am now, and people around me will react as to how I would like it. Dreams that should not happen, for the good of them, for the good of me. I dream of holding the mike onstage, spreading my wings and tomorrow i'm stressing over ordinary things like what to cook, how to handle studies and what life is like in so many other ways.

Perhaps in the future, I would be allowed to dream, as if I am already living those dreams, that I have a very lovely MinSunye as my soulmate, everyday lived together as if we both were never stars; Just two people with a common dream, which is to make music, and love. This inspired dream of mine is courtesy of a friend who will never stop dreaming... But her dreams are short and sweet, mine are long and disillussioning. I want nobody, nobody but you.

Dreams are quite ecstatic, some would even describe them as orgasmic, because in that dream everything goes right; You'd be so superlatively high that nothing else matters. Like you're a character out of a fiction novel, and you're the writer. This is why dreams have no end, people will never stop dreaming. Doing something about a dream, however, would usually be a mammoth task. People don't dream of a perfect world. They only imagine a perfect "self" as compared to the world they know, and them being a part of that perfect scene.

Dreaming, to me, is hoping. Hoping for something that would never happen, because only when you are by yourself, your dreams will come true. Only if you don't share your dreams and hold them close to your heart, you will truly appreciate those dreams.. Dreams, daydreams that I share with people are petty little skewed stories that would only sound "normal" as in pleasing to the ear of people. Dreams that you truly, truly believe you should share are the ones that will never be achieved.. That no matter how much you try, there will never be a happy ending. That no matter how hard you want to realise that "aspiration", as people call it, you would only realise that it remains a dream.

The important thing is, to not get caught between dreams and reality. Dreams should not be part of realising what you should be, what you aim for, because you will never ever make your dreams come true.

Growing pains

It's only a matter of time. I have to be strong. I have to stand by my beliefs. I'm not rock bottom. This is my meditation time. I don't have to see her now. I don't have to layan her now. I am at one with the universe.

I've never been as hurt as recently. She sounded like my mom/dad/grandad giving me a lecture today. I'm also very distressed that my external hard drive is missing. Everything is on it. Everything. I don't wanna waste money buying a new one now. Not now.

I'm also feeling very vulnerable. Feels like whoever that takes advantage of me first would really get to me. I have to start hanging around my guy friends. At least they are not as confronting.

I need a source of inspiration. I need my music. I need to be strong. Just tell yourself to be strong.

If you were to ask me whether I'm happy right now or not, I would say "not yet".

In the end, nobody really wants to listen to my story. Not yet. I need someone who will. Someone who's actually interested in my story, and not full of their own only.

I was told that I was a rare breed. So where do I find someone like me?

Perhaps that's where I need God. But I don't. It's just my own doubts, fears and scars playing on me again.

To hope for the best, the absolute best and not expect it, is really the best thing you can ever do to yourself. You have some objective that is the sky, and when you hit it, it will be the sky. I will hit the sky.

I will hit the sky.