Possible Lines for a New Song

I'm out of tears

Take whatever's left

Daggers in the heart aren't the worst to bear, neither is the fact that love's not fair,

But what hurts the most is that everyday

I'd make you happy in any way

That when I want to hold you close

The feeling is like hugging a rose

the longer you hold on the more it hurts

How something so beautiful can also be so painful

Reality

Looking back at some of my posts, I amaze myself sometimes at how I have developed in terms of thought; There's no more looking back in anger, but sometimes, you have to cut out everything you have, just because that's the only way to let yourself be free.

The best things in life are free. And I am not.

I am bound down by my own rules, my own expectations of myself, and once again, I have failed myself.

I disagree with most people when they say that life doesn't have a reset button. As long as you have people that truly, truly love you, you always have a reset button. Only love will keep me up, only love will keep me down. And nothing's gonna stop me.

Sorry world, I'm just gonna have to be on Pause for a while. Time to start talking to myself again. Lu Xian's back.

Fantasy

Sometimes I love being trapped in my own daydreams, in my own illusions.

Dream on, I say. Dreams are what make people, dreams are what makes the ordinary stand out; Vision is the first step towards realisation. i dream of many things. I dream to be the person I am now, and people around me will react as to how I would like it. Dreams that should not happen, for the good of them, for the good of me. I dream of holding the mike onstage, spreading my wings and tomorrow i'm stressing over ordinary things like what to cook, how to handle studies and what life is like in so many other ways.

Perhaps in the future, I would be allowed to dream, as if I am already living those dreams, that I have a very lovely MinSunye as my soulmate, everyday lived together as if we both were never stars; Just two people with a common dream, which is to make music, and love. This inspired dream of mine is courtesy of a friend who will never stop dreaming... But her dreams are short and sweet, mine are long and disillussioning. I want nobody, nobody but you.

Dreams are quite ecstatic, some would even describe them as orgasmic, because in that dream everything goes right; You'd be so superlatively high that nothing else matters. Like you're a character out of a fiction novel, and you're the writer. This is why dreams have no end, people will never stop dreaming. Doing something about a dream, however, would usually be a mammoth task. People don't dream of a perfect world. They only imagine a perfect "self" as compared to the world they know, and them being a part of that perfect scene.

Dreaming, to me, is hoping. Hoping for something that would never happen, because only when you are by yourself, your dreams will come true. Only if you don't share your dreams and hold them close to your heart, you will truly appreciate those dreams.. Dreams, daydreams that I share with people are petty little skewed stories that would only sound "normal" as in pleasing to the ear of people. Dreams that you truly, truly believe you should share are the ones that will never be achieved.. That no matter how much you try, there will never be a happy ending. That no matter how hard you want to realise that "aspiration", as people call it, you would only realise that it remains a dream.

The important thing is, to not get caught between dreams and reality. Dreams should not be part of realising what you should be, what you aim for, because you will never ever make your dreams come true.

Growing pains

It's only a matter of time. I have to be strong. I have to stand by my beliefs. I'm not rock bottom. This is my meditation time. I don't have to see her now. I don't have to layan her now. I am at one with the universe.

I've never been as hurt as recently. She sounded like my mom/dad/grandad giving me a lecture today. I'm also very distressed that my external hard drive is missing. Everything is on it. Everything. I don't wanna waste money buying a new one now. Not now.

I'm also feeling very vulnerable. Feels like whoever that takes advantage of me first would really get to me. I have to start hanging around my guy friends. At least they are not as confronting.

I need a source of inspiration. I need my music. I need to be strong. Just tell yourself to be strong.

If you were to ask me whether I'm happy right now or not, I would say "not yet".

In the end, nobody really wants to listen to my story. Not yet. I need someone who will. Someone who's actually interested in my story, and not full of their own only.

I was told that I was a rare breed. So where do I find someone like me?

Perhaps that's where I need God. But I don't. It's just my own doubts, fears and scars playing on me again.

To hope for the best, the absolute best and not expect it, is really the best thing you can ever do to yourself. You have some objective that is the sky, and when you hit it, it will be the sky. I will hit the sky.

I will hit the sky.

Moderation.

Philosophy was never really my thing. So what is it that makes me stand out, and different from the rest? Is it because I am selfish to the point that I can't control myself? Or is it that I'm selfless to the point that I am beyond control?

Void stones

Interesting, my situation is. I've been just, stuck within my own "space in between", being finally alone, and yet at the same time, not wanting to be alone. I want someone, preferrably not her, to just read my mind and comfort me, but I know that it's just wrong. Just, wrong. I've got so much other stuff to do, so much pressing issues to attend to.

I do know, however, that keeping myself busy would be exactly the same as going out with friends, sacrificing time with myself. And that hurts. Sigh. Thank goodness I've got you. So many things to just let out, so many people to tell that I'm vulnerable to gain sympathy, but I just, can't do it.

Thank goodness, I've still got common sense. When you make mistakes, or when you observe mistakes, you take them with you. I have. Thanks Ian. Not gonna fall like you did. I'm glad that I helped you up.

Gone

I just had the worst conversation with my girlfriend.

I was so upset, I didn't even have the courage to say "I love you".

Maybe the love is gone. Maybe the fire is gone. Maybe she's gone. Maybe she is that unimportant to me to the point that I won't wanna call her anymore because of the way she reacts when I call her anyway.

I don't make sense anymore. My heart's in the wrong place. It's like the angry part of the chick flick where the guy and the girl get separated.

I feel pathetic. Like I don't have the strength to fight for love anymore pathetic. I just wished that there was someone out there who would wanna listen.