Growing pains

It's only a matter of time. I have to be strong. I have to stand by my beliefs. I'm not rock bottom. This is my meditation time. I don't have to see her now. I don't have to layan her now. I am at one with the universe.

I've never been as hurt as recently. She sounded like my mom/dad/grandad giving me a lecture today. I'm also very distressed that my external hard drive is missing. Everything is on it. Everything. I don't wanna waste money buying a new one now. Not now.

I'm also feeling very vulnerable. Feels like whoever that takes advantage of me first would really get to me. I have to start hanging around my guy friends. At least they are not as confronting.

I need a source of inspiration. I need my music. I need to be strong. Just tell yourself to be strong.

If you were to ask me whether I'm happy right now or not, I would say "not yet".

In the end, nobody really wants to listen to my story. Not yet. I need someone who will. Someone who's actually interested in my story, and not full of their own only.

I was told that I was a rare breed. So where do I find someone like me?

Perhaps that's where I need God. But I don't. It's just my own doubts, fears and scars playing on me again.

To hope for the best, the absolute best and not expect it, is really the best thing you can ever do to yourself. You have some objective that is the sky, and when you hit it, it will be the sky. I will hit the sky.

I will hit the sky.

Moderation.

Philosophy was never really my thing. So what is it that makes me stand out, and different from the rest? Is it because I am selfish to the point that I can't control myself? Or is it that I'm selfless to the point that I am beyond control?

Void stones

Interesting, my situation is. I've been just, stuck within my own "space in between", being finally alone, and yet at the same time, not wanting to be alone. I want someone, preferrably not her, to just read my mind and comfort me, but I know that it's just wrong. Just, wrong. I've got so much other stuff to do, so much pressing issues to attend to.

I do know, however, that keeping myself busy would be exactly the same as going out with friends, sacrificing time with myself. And that hurts. Sigh. Thank goodness I've got you. So many things to just let out, so many people to tell that I'm vulnerable to gain sympathy, but I just, can't do it.

Thank goodness, I've still got common sense. When you make mistakes, or when you observe mistakes, you take them with you. I have. Thanks Ian. Not gonna fall like you did. I'm glad that I helped you up.

Gone

I just had the worst conversation with my girlfriend.

I was so upset, I didn't even have the courage to say "I love you".

Maybe the love is gone. Maybe the fire is gone. Maybe she's gone. Maybe she is that unimportant to me to the point that I won't wanna call her anymore because of the way she reacts when I call her anyway.

I don't make sense anymore. My heart's in the wrong place. It's like the angry part of the chick flick where the guy and the girl get separated.

I feel pathetic. Like I don't have the strength to fight for love anymore pathetic. I just wished that there was someone out there who would wanna listen.

Quantum of Solace

I recently read about someone who just broke up after 8 years of being in a relationship. So comes the cliches: Don't worry there'll be plenty of fish in the sea, get over it don't be a loser and so on.

I recently made a decision to let go of someone I truly care about. Why do I do this, I ask myself?
Perhaps I'm tired of all the times I want her to change but she won't. Perhaps I'm tired of all the times she wants me to change something I don't wanna change.

Maybe it's the commitment. Yes it's the commitment. I hate blaming people. So I blame myself.

Perhaps I'm looking for an excuse, perhaps I need the attention.

Grounded

This is the first time in a long while that I got scared the living shit out of my own mom. I was put into this mere situation moments ago, I just realised. I was talking to Monica on the line, realising how "unattractive" I was, how unimportant I was to the world, and I was reminded that I was the one and only to her.... That I was special. I felt so dishearted after that call, I feel like, just. stopping. Quitting uni. What am I doing all this for. All these dreams. Feels like I'm doing this for the whirlwind ride. The results. The learning.

Bringing myself back down to earth is one thing, but I truly truly felt that I was being told off, as if the whole world didn't care about her, including me, that no one paid attention to her, no one put any importance into her words... Exactly the way I was telling Monica. Why do I have this trait to make myself look genuinely pitiful from other people? I probably inherited this trait from my mom, she does it so well, in fact my dad probably does it too (the running away style), talk about communication problems with your own mom....

I feel so, ashamed, so useless as a son, I need reassurance. Like I've screwed up my life.

I'm not rock bottom. But now I know the feeling of having someone you hold so dearly feel so sad JUST because you take them for granted. Maybe that's why I'm spoilt. I take people for granted. That's probably the one trait that all spoilt brats have. They take everything for granted. Materials, love, care, time, it all translates into arrogance, snobbing other people, hatred, discrimination. Why do I do this? How do I curb this? I feel so... rejected.

Maybe I should just sleep it off. I can move on, but what do I prove to her? The last time I hurt somebody, I had to hurt and compromise myself so badly. Do I do it again? And consume my time and effort? Or let a heart go and move on?

The answer sounds trivial. But what do I have to back it up? Saying sorry? Why do I keep doing this?

Good night blog. This is how I hung up on my mom.

Black spots and grey areas

By my principles, if you love someone, you accept all the differences between the both of you. You'll love every bit of him/her; good or bad traits, and you might even be able to turn bad ones into good ones. However, what would be considered as accepting? Understanding each other as if they were reading a book and making way for it, compromising for it, or just sticking to their opinions? I know the answer's trivial in most cases, but there are times where the other would be totally unreasonable/unpredictable/un-LIKE-THEM for you to actually like them, as a person even.

The key is, probably, that you'll probably find something wonderful/sweet that you never knew about them among all the arguments, all the nasty thoughts and after the storm has passed, both parties would just explain themselves and move along.